Last night was not good. Jon and I went and saw the musical Wicked. It was really good. But the ride home was not. We got stuck in the parking garage and I snapped at Jon and he yelled at me. I admit I deserved it but it still hurts. Sometimes I wonder if he knows how much that hurts. We came home and I just stared out the side window at the river letting the tears fall. He kept asking if we could talk and I said nothing until we got home. Then I told him no. I was just too hurt and upset. I grabbed my pillow, my Bible, and my phone charger and came out to the living room. I did a little homework and then got ready for bed. I laid on the couch intending to go to bed but instead I just cried. Finally I got some paper and wrote a letter to Jon voicing my frustrations and feelings. Writing has really helped me do that.
Today I didn't go to work. I was worn out physically and emotionally. I called in saying I had a fever and migraine. I don't care. I needed a break and some time. I was able to get some homework done before the busy weekend. I just wish I didn't have to work. I wish I either had a job I loved or that I could be a stay at home mom. Life just doesn't seem fair sometimes.
Friday, May 20, 2011
Sunday, May 15, 2011
I haven't been real faithful to this blog. This is just my personal blog. My feelings. My thoughts. My doubts. Me. I'm not a writer. I've never claimed to be one. I think I just do it because it helps me focus my thoughts and really voice my thoughts are; it's a way to sort my thoughts instead of having them jumbled inside.
The last time I wrote I was debating whether or not to go for my MBA. Well, I went for it. I'm just over half way done. I have finished two semesters and have completed the first week of my third semester. Some of those same doubts I had before have just come flying back. Am I really doing the right thing? Should I be pursuing my MBA? Is it really worth it? My original intent of getting it was to teach at college, but I know now that is impossible unless I decide to just do community college or if I get my PhD. I'm not sure why I want this. Part of me is justifying it by saying that it will make me more marketable and help me find a new job. That's true. But when? Anytime I apply for a job I let them know I am currently pursuing my MBA. But I won't be finished until December...unless I decide to take my last class in the spring semester since my due date is December 1st. Part of me just wants to get it over with now. I can do it. I may be a little stressed, but I will have time off from work which will help me.
When I start to think maybe I shouldn't finish I start lecturing myself. I've already spent $9,000 so far, so why waste it. I'm half way done, why stop now? I just can't seem to make up my mind, but until then I continue to press on. I know I will finish it, mostly because I can't stand it when people are so close to being done and don't finish. Plus, it honestly will make me more marketable.
One of my other struggles has been in relation to work. Since becoming pregnant I've had a greater desire to be a stay-at-home-mom. But then I think about finances. At this point in Jon's career, his job doesn't pay enough to support us, even with cutting back as much as possible. He only makes about $1500 a month. Removed $150 for tithing, $615 for rent, $254 for his student loans, $191 for my loans (which will be closer to $400 when I'm done), then we have our cell phones $160 (which we could go back to our basic calling and texting and get rid of our data plans, but that only takes us down to $90), then insurance for the car $90, and that puts us at $1460. That doesn't take into consideration utilities, gas for the car, Internet (which we could get rid of), health insurance, groceries, and miscellaneous. It's so frustrating to look at the numbers and see that Jon's check can't support us alone. Me having to work has been a big frustration. I know I complain often, which isn't fair to Jon, but I don't know who else to talk to.
It's overwhelming sometimes. Knowing that I have to work. Jon and I have discussed it quite a bit. He told me on a drive home that he would like for me to be a stay at home mom. He told me he's struggling at work. He loves the ministry, but hates the organization. He's not even certain about his job anymore. On one hand that scares me because I want him to love his job, but on the other hand, I almost feel a sense of relief knowing that maybe he will get a different job that he likes but pays better. But I don't want him to quit a job he loves just so I can be a stay at home mom. I don't want him to give up his ministry for me.
I struggle with jealousy. Why do some people get to be stay at home moms and others not? I think of my friends - Jenny, Lynn, Jodi, Rachael - all have the opportunity to stay at home. Why not me? Why don't I get to? It just doesn't seem fair! I know when I married Jon that he would never make a lot of money. I thought it was fine at the time. I was more than happy to make the money for us. But now the rose-colored glasses are off. I can see how naive I was, how I thought it wouldn't be a big deal. But it is.
It happens every Sunday. I start to feel depressed. I know it's because I have work the next day at a job I hate going to. It's not the work that's hard, it's the environment. Several people have even told me how shocked they are that I stayed as long as I have. I'm grateful to have a job, but if I had a job I loved going to, I don't think I would have this problem. I don't think I would be so unhappy with having to work. But my situation remains unchanged.
You're probably thinking, well just quit and find a new job. Ha! Easier said than done. I have applied for numerous jobs over the last year and have only had 3 interviews. One job I was so excited for. I really wanted it. But someone had more government experience and they offered it to that person. Another interview revealed to me that it wasn't the job for me. It was more office/secretary work than accounting work. The last interview was a few weeks ago and I thought it went well, but there was no follow up interview. I still apply for jobs. I still search every day hoping to find something.
The time is getting closer and closer when I have to temporarily stop because I'll be getting too close to my due date. But when is that cut off time? Jon wanted me to stop a few weeks ago but I couldn't. I became so depressed and hopeless that I told him I had to keep looking otherwise I would go postal. I told him I didn't care if that meant sacrificing 3 months of maternity leave for only 6 weeks, but if I had to, I think I could do it. But ask me again at the end of those 6 weeks if I really could.
Sometimes I think how much easier it would be if I just won the lottery. A couple weeks ago I was laying around watching TV and the TLC show "The Lottery Changed My Life" was playing a marathon day.I got suckered it. I started dreaming about what I would do if I were to win. I even checked the Mega Millions amount and saw that it was $40 million. I even went and bought a ticket because I was desperate. I didn't win. And then it hit me. Why would I assume that money would solve the problem? Just because you have money doesn't make your life better. I was doubting God. Is my faith really that small? That I think God doesn't care enough to remove these financial burdens? Obviously God is trying to teach me something. But I still feel depressed. I still feel sad. I still feel hopeless.
Doubt is one of those things that can cause a lot of problems. Uncertainty is not something I enjoy. But maybe it's just what my faith needs. Maybe this will help me grow to understand God even more.
The last time I wrote I was debating whether or not to go for my MBA. Well, I went for it. I'm just over half way done. I have finished two semesters and have completed the first week of my third semester. Some of those same doubts I had before have just come flying back. Am I really doing the right thing? Should I be pursuing my MBA? Is it really worth it? My original intent of getting it was to teach at college, but I know now that is impossible unless I decide to just do community college or if I get my PhD. I'm not sure why I want this. Part of me is justifying it by saying that it will make me more marketable and help me find a new job. That's true. But when? Anytime I apply for a job I let them know I am currently pursuing my MBA. But I won't be finished until December...unless I decide to take my last class in the spring semester since my due date is December 1st. Part of me just wants to get it over with now. I can do it. I may be a little stressed, but I will have time off from work which will help me.
When I start to think maybe I shouldn't finish I start lecturing myself. I've already spent $9,000 so far, so why waste it. I'm half way done, why stop now? I just can't seem to make up my mind, but until then I continue to press on. I know I will finish it, mostly because I can't stand it when people are so close to being done and don't finish. Plus, it honestly will make me more marketable.
One of my other struggles has been in relation to work. Since becoming pregnant I've had a greater desire to be a stay-at-home-mom. But then I think about finances. At this point in Jon's career, his job doesn't pay enough to support us, even with cutting back as much as possible. He only makes about $1500 a month. Removed $150 for tithing, $615 for rent, $254 for his student loans, $191 for my loans (which will be closer to $400 when I'm done), then we have our cell phones $160 (which we could go back to our basic calling and texting and get rid of our data plans, but that only takes us down to $90), then insurance for the car $90, and that puts us at $1460. That doesn't take into consideration utilities, gas for the car, Internet (which we could get rid of), health insurance, groceries, and miscellaneous. It's so frustrating to look at the numbers and see that Jon's check can't support us alone. Me having to work has been a big frustration. I know I complain often, which isn't fair to Jon, but I don't know who else to talk to.
It's overwhelming sometimes. Knowing that I have to work. Jon and I have discussed it quite a bit. He told me on a drive home that he would like for me to be a stay at home mom. He told me he's struggling at work. He loves the ministry, but hates the organization. He's not even certain about his job anymore. On one hand that scares me because I want him to love his job, but on the other hand, I almost feel a sense of relief knowing that maybe he will get a different job that he likes but pays better. But I don't want him to quit a job he loves just so I can be a stay at home mom. I don't want him to give up his ministry for me.
I struggle with jealousy. Why do some people get to be stay at home moms and others not? I think of my friends - Jenny, Lynn, Jodi, Rachael - all have the opportunity to stay at home. Why not me? Why don't I get to? It just doesn't seem fair! I know when I married Jon that he would never make a lot of money. I thought it was fine at the time. I was more than happy to make the money for us. But now the rose-colored glasses are off. I can see how naive I was, how I thought it wouldn't be a big deal. But it is.
It happens every Sunday. I start to feel depressed. I know it's because I have work the next day at a job I hate going to. It's not the work that's hard, it's the environment. Several people have even told me how shocked they are that I stayed as long as I have. I'm grateful to have a job, but if I had a job I loved going to, I don't think I would have this problem. I don't think I would be so unhappy with having to work. But my situation remains unchanged.
You're probably thinking, well just quit and find a new job. Ha! Easier said than done. I have applied for numerous jobs over the last year and have only had 3 interviews. One job I was so excited for. I really wanted it. But someone had more government experience and they offered it to that person. Another interview revealed to me that it wasn't the job for me. It was more office/secretary work than accounting work. The last interview was a few weeks ago and I thought it went well, but there was no follow up interview. I still apply for jobs. I still search every day hoping to find something.
The time is getting closer and closer when I have to temporarily stop because I'll be getting too close to my due date. But when is that cut off time? Jon wanted me to stop a few weeks ago but I couldn't. I became so depressed and hopeless that I told him I had to keep looking otherwise I would go postal. I told him I didn't care if that meant sacrificing 3 months of maternity leave for only 6 weeks, but if I had to, I think I could do it. But ask me again at the end of those 6 weeks if I really could.
Sometimes I think how much easier it would be if I just won the lottery. A couple weeks ago I was laying around watching TV and the TLC show "The Lottery Changed My Life" was playing a marathon day.I got suckered it. I started dreaming about what I would do if I were to win. I even checked the Mega Millions amount and saw that it was $40 million. I even went and bought a ticket because I was desperate. I didn't win. And then it hit me. Why would I assume that money would solve the problem? Just because you have money doesn't make your life better. I was doubting God. Is my faith really that small? That I think God doesn't care enough to remove these financial burdens? Obviously God is trying to teach me something. But I still feel depressed. I still feel sad. I still feel hopeless.
Doubt is one of those things that can cause a lot of problems. Uncertainty is not something I enjoy. But maybe it's just what my faith needs. Maybe this will help me grow to understand God even more.
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