Thinking of Kids

The thought came like it has come several times in the past. "I want to have a baby." I'm not even sure what triggered it. It might have been my book. It had mentioned a couple trying to have a baby unsuccessfully and another couple's boy being caught on a bridge when it broke in flood waters. Despite the trigger, I stood up with a downcast face. My husband recognized the face and asked what was wrong.

"I want to have a baby, but we can't." The "can't" is due to the fact that I don't want to have a baby until our credit cards are paid off, which should be next year. The reason is because I want as little payment obligations as possible because once we have the baby, I'm down to working part time instead of full time. (Unfortunately my husband doesn't make enough money to support us on his paycheck alone -- but at least he loves his job and I'd rather have that than a lot of money.)

Lately I've been wishing for a sudden influx of money. My dream would be $70,000. We have about $66,000 in debt, so the extra 4 would go towards our savings. Most likely that won't happen, but I can still hope. Having our debt completely paid off would free up so many options. I could have a baby and not be as stressed about money. We could save for a house sooner. Both are things I really want.

Every time these thoughts pass through my mind I start doing the math yet again, even though I know the outcome. I calculate all the payments we have to make -- student loans, rent, utilities, insurance, phone, gas, groceries, credit cards, and tithing -- and then the income we need. Every time I look at the numbers I get discouraged. I look at my debt repayment plan I made and see how long it's going to take to pay off our debts, and I get discouraged. A big part of me just wants to erase the debt payments and go from there, but the likelihood of that is slim to none.

Jon and I have been told by someone wise, Jack Moyer, to not wait until you're financially stable to have kids because you'll never be there. That thought constantly pops into my head; I only want our credit cards paid off, not all our debts or a certain amount in savings before we have kids.

It seems that everything always filters back to money. I guess because my brain is financially wired, these things always flow down to the money. I need to work on trusting God more with my finances. Everything I have, I have because of Him, and really it doesn't belong to me, but to him. I'm just managing it.