Challenges

We had a baby on the 10th. It's our first and we are very excited! But sometimes it's just plain hard. He cries sometimes and I don't know why. He just ate, his diaper is clean, and he should be content. But he cries nonetheless and I can't seem I fix it. It's overwhelming at times. I want him to be happy but he's not. Jon worries about me. I don't always get enough sleep. There was a week when I slept in the chair or on the couch with baby Benjamin just so we could both get some sleep. Now we seem to have a routine for sleep but still there are days when it's not enough. Jon tries to make sure I get sleep but I hear Ben cry and I'm wide awake. Plus I'm constantly trying to make sure Jon gets enough sleep. After all, he has work to go to while I can sleep during the day when Ben naps. Overall I would say it's so great to have a baby but there are times it's hard and tiring.

Jon and I have also been trying to work Dave Ramsey's plan for financial freedom. Right now out focus is on getting about $10,000 saved to cover medical costs for HSA. We decided that was the route we wanted to go with for Ben. The $10k is what we would pay out of pocket before the insurance covers 100%. I am a little nervous something will happen and we will need more but I'm praying for a healthy baby. After we get that saved we will start Baby Step 2 which involves paying off our debts. We have about $72k in student loans. With Jon's new job we should be able to put about $2,500 a month towards the debt which means a payoff of about 2 to 2.5 years. Jon plans on working all 3 of his jobs to do this. One job is full-time at CBS. Then he will work from about 11 pm to 3 am at UPS. The last job is at Diamond Parking and would just be on the weekends. He wants to work all 3 so we can really make a dent in our debt. My concern is when will we have time together. I'm worried our marriage will suffer. We are hoping it will only take 2 years especially if I can find a better paying job. It'll be a 2 year struggle but we are willing to try it in order to change our lives. But I'm concerned about the impact on us. I knows it's only temporary but it will still be hard.

Doubts about Work

Talking with Jon the other day he said something that threw me off. He said, "I don't know if I want to work for Peak 7 anymore." That was a big blow. He has mentioned it before but it didn't seem like a very serious thought. The fact that he said it again made me realize he was serious.

We started talking about why he was feeling that way. His main thing was he didn't like how the organization was run. He loves the programs and thinks those are ran pretty well, but in terms of Peak 7 as a business, he doesn't think so. One of his main concerns was about staff. Peak 7 has never had a good track record of treating staff well. By treating staff well I mean in regards to monetary, hours, not that they are physically hurting them. For example: Peak 7 Spokane has been using a facility that has a house and a warehouse. The idea behind the house was to provide free staff housing for summer staff since the pay is really bad. That changed. Now if a summer staff member wants to stay in the house they have to raise $1,000 to stay. In addition, since we can't have boys and girls staying in the house unchaperoned, girls will be staying in the house and boys will be staying in a tent. Who wants to raise $1,000 to sleep in a tent?

When Jon told me that I about blew a gasket. First of all, the house was supposed to be free - an incentive and way of compensation. Second, how ridiculous to make some guy raise money to sleep in a tent! I was so livid that I told Jon that I would gladly allow that guy to live in our small apartment for the summer for free. I couldn't believe that a Christian organization would treat their staff like that - I should have known, but I can't believe they would sink that low.

Another issue is control. Jon was given a promotion at work to Program Director and yet he told me he feel like he is just another Program Coordinator. He said he has no power to change or do anything differently. Ryan is still very much a control freak. Jon understands there are limitations to control, but Ryan shouldn't have the sole power to change things relating to Spokane, in particular staff housing and other things. Jon's stuck in the middle between Ryan and the Program Coordinators. He's expected to accept anything Ryan changes and he has to convince the PC's to be supportive of it when he is not supportive of it. As a result, the PC's complain to Jon and he agrees with their complaints but if he tries to bring it up to Ryan he gets shot down.

Something needs to change and I'm worried Jon is going to give them an ultimatum and they are going to say fine, leave, and the same treatment will happen to the next person in that position.

I don't like that Jon is unhappy about that aspect of work. I asked what he would do if nothing changes and he said he would quit and find something new. I asked what and he said he didn't know. Then I told him he could always be a stay at home dad.

I'm trying to be supportive of him but I don't know how to encourage him through these doubts. I told him to talk to a board member but he hasn't had time. I've talked a little to Lynn about how Jon is wondering whether or not he wants to work for Peak 7 anymore. When I go to Cashmere for the volunteer/donor weekend, I'm going to talk to Brady and maybe Joel and let them know that Jon is having doubts and they really need to talk to him. I don't know what else to do, but something needs to be done.

Last night was not good. Jon and I went and saw the musical Wicked. It was really good. But the ride home was not. We got stuck in the parking garage and I snapped at Jon and he yelled at me. I admit I deserved it but it still hurts. Sometimes I wonder if he knows how much that hurts. We came home and I just stared out the side window at the river letting the tears fall. He kept asking if we could talk and I said nothing until we got home. Then I told him no. I was just too hurt and upset. I grabbed my pillow, my Bible, and my phone charger and came out to the living room. I did a little homework and then got ready for bed. I laid on the couch intending to go to bed but instead I just cried. Finally I got some paper and wrote a letter to Jon voicing my frustrations and feelings. Writing has really helped me do that.

Today I didn't go to work. I was worn out physically and emotionally. I called in saying I had a fever and migraine. I don't care. I needed a break and some time. I was able to get some homework done before the busy weekend. I just wish I didn't have to work. I wish I either had a job I loved or that I could be a stay at home mom. Life just doesn't seem fair sometimes.

I haven't been real faithful to this blog. This is just my personal blog. My feelings. My thoughts. My doubts. Me. I'm not a writer. I've never claimed to be one. I think I just do it because it helps me focus my thoughts and really voice my thoughts are; it's a way to sort my thoughts instead of having them jumbled inside.

The last time I wrote I was debating whether or not to go for my MBA. Well, I went for it. I'm just over half way done. I have finished two semesters and have completed the first week of my third semester. Some of those same doubts I had before have just come flying back. Am I really doing the right thing? Should I be pursuing my MBA? Is it really worth it? My original intent of getting it was to teach at college, but I know now that is impossible unless I decide to just do community college or if I get my PhD. I'm not sure why I want this. Part of me is justifying it by saying that it will make me more marketable and help me find a new job. That's true. But when? Anytime I apply for a job I let them know I am currently pursuing my MBA. But I won't be finished until December...unless I decide to take my last class in the spring semester since my due date is December 1st. Part of me just wants to get it over with now. I can do it. I may be a little stressed, but I will have time off from work which will help me.

When I start to think maybe I shouldn't finish I start lecturing myself. I've already spent $9,000 so far, so why waste it. I'm half way done, why stop now? I just can't seem to make up my mind, but until then I continue to press on. I know I will finish it, mostly because I can't stand it when people are so close to being done and don't finish. Plus, it honestly will make me more marketable.

One of my other struggles has been in relation to work. Since becoming pregnant I've had a greater desire to be a stay-at-home-mom. But then I think about finances. At this point in Jon's career, his job doesn't pay enough to support us, even with cutting back as much as possible. He only makes about $1500 a month. Removed $150 for tithing, $615 for rent, $254 for his student loans, $191 for my loans (which will be closer to $400 when I'm done), then we have our cell phones $160 (which we could go back to our basic calling and texting and get rid of our data plans, but that only takes us down to $90), then insurance for the car $90, and that puts us at $1460. That doesn't take into consideration utilities, gas for the car, Internet (which we could get rid of), health insurance, groceries, and miscellaneous. It's so frustrating to look at the numbers and see that Jon's check can't support us alone. Me having to work has been a big frustration. I know I complain often, which isn't fair to Jon, but I don't know who else to talk to.

It's overwhelming sometimes. Knowing that I have to work. Jon and I have discussed it quite a bit. He told me on a drive home that he would like for me to be a stay at home mom. He told me he's struggling at work. He loves the ministry, but hates the organization. He's not even certain about his job anymore. On one hand that scares me because I want him to love his job, but on the other hand, I almost feel a sense of relief knowing that maybe he will get a different job that he likes but pays better. But I don't want him to quit a job he loves just so I can be a stay at home mom. I don't want him to give up his ministry for me.

I struggle with jealousy. Why do some people get to be stay at home moms and others not? I think of my friends - Jenny, Lynn, Jodi, Rachael - all have the opportunity to stay at home. Why not me? Why don't I get to? It just doesn't seem fair! I know when I married Jon that he would never make a lot of money. I thought it was fine at the time. I was more than happy to make the money for us. But now the rose-colored glasses are off. I can see how naive I was, how I thought it wouldn't be a big deal. But it is.

It happens every Sunday. I start to feel depressed. I know it's because I have work the next day at a job I hate going to. It's not the work that's hard, it's the environment. Several people have even told me how shocked they are that I stayed as long as I have. I'm grateful to have a job, but if I had a job I loved going to, I don't think I would have this problem. I don't think I would be so unhappy with having to work. But my situation remains unchanged.

You're probably thinking, well just quit and find a new job. Ha! Easier said than done. I have applied for numerous jobs over the last year and have only had 3 interviews. One job I was so excited for. I really wanted it. But someone had more government experience and they offered it to that person. Another interview revealed to me that it wasn't the job for me. It was more office/secretary work than accounting work. The last interview was a few weeks ago and I thought it went well, but there was no follow up interview. I still apply for jobs. I still search every day hoping to find something.

The time is getting closer and closer when I have to temporarily stop because I'll be getting too close to my due date. But when is that cut off time? Jon wanted me to stop a few weeks ago but I couldn't. I became so depressed and hopeless that I told him I had to keep looking otherwise I would go postal. I told him I didn't care if that meant sacrificing 3 months of maternity leave for only 6 weeks, but if I had to, I think I could do it. But ask me again at the end of those 6 weeks if I really could.

Sometimes I think how much easier it would be if I just won the lottery. A couple weeks ago I was laying around watching TV and the TLC show "The Lottery Changed My Life" was playing a marathon day.I got suckered it. I started dreaming about what I would do if I were to win. I even checked the Mega Millions amount and saw that it was $40 million. I even went and bought a ticket because I was desperate. I didn't win. And then it hit me. Why would I assume that money would solve the problem? Just because you have money doesn't make your life better. I was doubting God. Is my faith really that small? That I think God doesn't care enough to remove these financial burdens? Obviously God is trying to teach me something. But I still feel depressed. I still feel sad. I still feel hopeless.

Doubt is one of those things that can cause a lot of problems. Uncertainty is not something I enjoy. But maybe it's just what my faith needs. Maybe this will help me grow to understand God even more.

Uncertain

I was on my way to work when it hit me. It's nothing new, but each time it feels overwhelming. Doubt. I have six days to submit my enrollment fee to guarantee my spot in the fall semester for my MBA program, and I'm not so sure it's the right thing to do.

My main purpose in getting my MBA is to teach at the college level. The more and more I look into it the more it seems that I will need at least a doctorate to teach. I keep asking myself if it's worth it. Can I even attain that before it changes yet again? How long will it take me to be able to do that?

My fears are overwhelming me. What will this do to me financially? How long will it take? Do I even have a shot at teaching? Do I even want to stay in accounting? Will teaching make me happy? What if I fail?

The last question is what is holding me back the most. I think I am just scared of trying something new. It's the unknown that is most frightening.

When To Jump Ship

Last Thursday I took some time off work for an appointment. The appointment was a test for a potential job. I got there feeling excited and nervous. I walked into Civil Service and saw quite a few people waiting for the same test I was. Turns out that there were 38 other people applying for the same job I was. Most were older, a few seemed about my age, but all were determined to do their best for the one vacancy. The test wasn't quite what I expected. I didn't know quite a bit of it, but I pressed on. At the end of the test you could either wait for your test score or just leave. I waited. Out of 100 I got 56 correct. An F. Not what I hoped for but what I expected. For me it was better to know my score than having to wait until they finally emailed us with our rank, which still hasn't happened yet. I'm not counting on an interview, but you never know.

Today I went to work. I definitely wasn't looking forward to going. It's not a job I enjoy. I find myself dreading the work days. I keep looking for new jobs finding nothing. My biggest problem is finding something that pays comparatively but doesn't require a ton of experience. I find myself becoming depressed about work. I've talked to Jon before about working at REI and he didn't think I should do it. They still have openings and I'm wanting to do it. Promotional opportunities are there along with incentives and overtime opportunities. It does pay significantly less, but right now I'm ok with less if it means a better work place.

I'm just wanting to work some place else. I want to do something more with my life. I want a job that I love and people that are nice to work with. The question is when do I jump ship and what new boat will I board?

Possibilities

A couple weeks ago Jon and I were driving home from lunch with friends when he brought up his boss's condo. We had originally looked at the condo a year ago to see if it was a better deal to rent than the current apartment we are in. My first thoughts of the place were "that's ugly," referring to the outside of the building. It was an ok condo. It seemed a little bit smaller than our current apartment and not much cheaper. We ultimately passed on it. I couldn't justify paying $50 less a month when we get free cable and a few workout room at our current place.

Anyways, we were driving home when Jon mentioned Ryan (his boss) talking to him about renting the condo. Ryan had asked Jon if we would rent the condo for around $400 and Jon said probably not. Then Ryan asked Jon if the answer was still no even if the rent was $200. Jon said he didn't know for sure but probably not. When asked why he said because his wife thinks it's ugly. At the mention of $200 a month my eyes widened and my mouth dropped and I quickly told Jon that yes I would rent it for $200. I told him I could stand ugly if the price was right.

Once we got home we discussed the effects that renting at that price would have on us. We would save about $300-$400 a month depending upon whether we get cable and what our utilities are. These savings would immediately go towards our debt/savings plan resulting in us paying off all our debt (one credit card and student loans) at least a year sooner. That includes having enough in savings for our emergency fund (6 months worth of expenses) and enough for a 10% down payment on a house. Seeing those numbers made me ecstatic! I wanted to jump at it and move in. I asked Jon to find out if Ryan was serious about that price and if/when the current tenants would be moving out.

Hope fell when Jon returned with the answers a few days later. Ryan didn't know if the tenants were going to move out in September when their lease ended or if they were going to renew. This was a downer because our lease is up in June and if we knew for sure we could move into the condo in the fall, we would go to a month-to-month lease. However, at this point it looks like we will be renewing our lease for another six months. The second downer was Ryan wasn't serious about $200. He told Jon for us to think of how high we will go and he would talk to his wife about what they can afford. There's still the possibility he would go down that far, but right now it looks pretty slim.

I'm trying to stay optimistic while being realistic, but it's hard. I think of what we could do with additional savings and I get excited. But then I remember it's not a guarantee and even several months out before we know anything for sure. I guess the old adage is true: If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is. But there's still hope.

Three Down, One To Go

Yesterday was a monumental day. Jon and I paid off another credit card! We had been working on paying off our debts since we got married. We paid two off in our first year of marriage and have now paid off a third! We currently only have one card left, with a balance of about $7,300. We haven't charged anything on it since we've been married; our honeymoon cruise was put on it.

It may not seem like a big deal to some, but to us it is a huge deal! The only debt aside from the one remaining credit card is our student loans, which in my opinion is good debt. Why is it good debt? First, we have low interest rates locked in. Second, that debt was needed to further our education, which in turn made us more valuable employees, giving us the potential to make more money.

Paying off debt isn't something that is done overnight. I've learned it takes a lot of patience and perseverance. I would love to wake up tomorrow and have no debt, but that isn't practical. Jon and I have made a budget and have been working hard to stay on it.

Another trick we learned is figuring out which bills are getting paid by which paycheck. For instance, Jon gets paid once a month and I get paid twice. His paycheck tends to pay our credit card debts, savings, and support for his parents. My first check (received on the 5th) pays our mid month bills - student loans, insurance, and our cell phone. My second check (received on the 20th) pays our beginning of the month bills - rent, tithing, utilities, and groceries. Once we get the check, we deposit it and in our ledger we immediately write the expenses down that it pays for - deposited on the fifth, bills dated 18th to 21st. This way we know our obligations are covered and we know what we have left to pay for gas and other expenses.

It has been a struggle sometimes to see how low our account gets, but it's also been a good way to trust God's provision. He hasn't let me down and He never will. I think of how much we have accomplished - we are paying more than minimum payments on our credit cards and we're putting money into savings. It's encouraging to see the debts go down and the savings go up.

We wouldn't have been able to do it without God. He has continually provided for us, usually above and beyond. When you let God be God, amazing things will happen.

The Issue of Trust

At the end of January Jon and I had a big fight. I was feeling stuck at a dead end job that I didn't like. I was upset about his job not paying what he deserves. I was stressed and unhappy. And I took it all out on him. I do that because I know that he will always love me. Plus he knows that when we're fighting it's not really about him but about a number of little things.

After talking quite a bit about what I was feeling, we discovered most of my fears were because of my lack of trust in God. It was hard to admit that. We talked a lot about the future and our financial position. I decided that it was time for me to start looking for a new job. I had decided that even if the job pays less, I should consider it because it would get me out of a job I don't like and into a job I could like.

Taking a job that would pay less would definitely be a big step for me in trust. I realized that I didn't need to make a lot of money. Jon and I are paying off our debt, putting money in savings, paying our bills on time, tithing at church, giving to missionaries, and still having some left over for a monthly date night. It was just a matter of really putting my trust in God and letting Him have control.

I have applied for a couple jobs - two at a bank, one for the county, and one for the US government. Personally I really like the idea of working for the US government for a couple reasons. First, there are opportunities for advancement. Second, the pay and benefits are great. Third, maybe it could lead to a political position one day. The government job closes tomorrow, and I'm really hoping to hear back from them.

I'm really ready to move on to a different job. I want a fresh start. I want to work with people I can tolerate. But ultimately it's not what I want, it's what God wants. Again it goes back to trusting Him with my life. This is one lesson I'm really struggling with. I need to rely on God and not myself.

Changes

Most people aren't fans of change. For the most part, I would put myself in the category. I am very much a planner and planning relies a lot on stability.

Needless to say when Jon proposed we take him off my company's insurance and start putting money into an HSA, I was hesitant. I had become very comfortable paying about $400 a month for him to be on insurance knowing what kind of coverage he has. However, the math for an HSA was very convincing. Rather than pay $400 a month into insurance we would pay about $115 for a high-deductible plan and $250 into the HSA, a total of about $365 -- saving about $35. In addition, his company will match up to $250 a month or $3,000 a year. In addition, paying into an HSA allows us to control the money, and it is entitled to us regardless of whether we use it or not, unlike the money paid to an insurance company. Plus, the money rolls over from year to year so we don't lose it.

We've decided that once Jon goes to one final doctor's appointment and gets his inhalers we will take him off my insurance and start the HSA. It seems to make sense to have Jon on it since he doesn't require many doctor appointments or medications. I go monthly to get medication, plus my employer pays most of my insurance premiums. My only concern is if Jon suddenly gets hurt or sick and we don't have enough in HSA to pay for it. Hopefully we don't come to that point. I'm a little nervous about the decision, but I'm trusting God to provide our needs.

Surprise Check

The last time I wrote I was freaking out about money (which seems to be a regular occurrence). Life has settled down in that regards. God definitely came through for me. Just when our checkbook reached about $30 and our savings $50, we received a sudden influx of cash. I received a bonus check at my work and Jon also received one!

The day I got my bonus check was the day payroll found out we would be getting one. My boss had to move money around in order to make that happen. In addition, Jon got a check we weren't expecting. He had already received a bonus check in September for an end of the season check, so I wasn't expecting a Christmas bonus too! It was definitely a God-thing.

Once the checks arrived we immediately began discussing the best way to use them. We used about half of mine to put towards our dental bills and we're planning on using most, if not all, of Jon's check to pay down a credit card. Right now I'm holding off on paying it because we are going to visit Jon's parents for Christmas and I want to make sure our expenses hold up. It's exciting to see our debt shrink. I'm looking forward to seeing one of our credit cards almost paid off. Once that's paid off we only have one left to pay off! I'm excited to see how God is working and helping us out.

Now I just need to remember to keep praying about our finances and God's continued provision. When people are doing ok, they tend to rely on themselves more and on God less; I need to avoid that because I know in an instant it could all be gone.

Dental Bills and Part Time Jobs

In October Jon and I went to the dentist for a check up. Jon hadn't been to a dentist in 5 years and I haven't been in 4 years. Needless to say, cavities were present in both of us. Our insurance covers 100% of our preventative check ups and about 80% of cavity work. However, our portion ended up at about $1,200. We don't have that kind of money lying around unfortunately, so we had to set up a payment plan.

The increase in money going out startled me, particularly because the money come in has decrease slightly. I began to feel the pinch of it all. We have credit cards bills to pay, student loans, rent, groceries, gas, insurance, phone bills, and utility bills. I watched as our checking account dropped lower and lower. I watched our small savings drop even lower as we transferred money to pay bills. We're struggling, living paycheck to paycheck, something I've never wanted to do.

It's been so bad lately that Jon and I won't be exchanging gifts. I had already bought gifts for our nieces and nephews (spending less than $10 per kid). We are waiting to buy something for our parents, hoping I get a Christmas bonus. I feel like I'm ruining Jon's Christmas. I know Christmas is not about gifts, it's about Jesus being born to come save the world, but I still feel like I'm letting Jon down. I love buying gifts for people and not getting something for Jon is breaking my heart.

There is the chance I could get a Christmas bonus. Last year the staff got one, so I'm assuming this year we might get one, but with the economy as it is, I wonder if it will really happen. I'm hoping and praying because we need help with our dental bills.

Money is so tight I've been considering getting a part time job. I already work a full time job, but could squeeze in a few hours in the mornings or evenings or weekends to bring in a few extra dollars. I've been considering Starbucks or REI. My only concern is that I will be in western Washington Christmas Eve till the Sunday after Christmas, and most likely REI would want me to work during the busy Christmas weekend, which I can't do. Hopefully Starbucks will consider hiring me despite my hectic schedule.

Lifted Burden

The last couple months our money has been really tight. With the added dental expenses, money has been really tight. And of course, when money is tight, I tend to be more stressed. Being an accountant, I'm very financially minded. When thinking about vacations or dining out or even renting a movie, I think about our checkbook and budget and wonder how it will affect it.

Last night I was balancing the checkbook and showing Jon what I normally do to make sure everything matches and everything is paid. He asked some questions that allowed me to explain to him how the timing of my paychecks works and what they pay for. However, it was the bottom line that made me break down. We had less than $300 and we still needed to go grocery shopping, and I know my next paycheck is going to be significantly less because of some sick days.

Finally I told Jon a thought I had been having a lot recently. "I wish we could just wait a year before having a baby." As I said it I felt guilty. I don't want to put off having kids, but right now the pressure of debt and bills is strangling me. I told Jon my desire to have the credit cards paid off before having a baby and my worries about not having enough saved up for me to take maternity leave if we were to start a family soon. He really understood where I was coming from.

That amazing man agreed to wait another year. He doesn't want me to be more stressed and he knows that adding a baby to the mix would make me more stressed, which isn't good for me or a baby. I was so grateful he agreed to wait!

I know you shouldn't wait until you are financially secure to have a family, but even in a year we won't be, but we will have a little less debt. I think that if we didn't suddenly have these dental bills we would have continued with the plan to try for a baby, but an additional $1,500 puts a big damper on things.

The plus sides of waiting aside from the financial ones: we're planning on doing a Disneyland trip next year for our vacation and most likely none of my sister-in-laws will be pregnant. It's purely selfish reasons that I don't want them pregnant. I want to have all the attention, and I know right now my brother and his wife are trying to have their second kid, so if we had kept to the original plan to conceive soon, we'd probably be having our babies at the same time, something I don't want.

After we decided to wait one year, we prayed about our finances and future, and I felt a HUGE burden lift off my shoulders. I seriously feel less stressed and more relaxed. It's amazing how prayer can make a difference.

Appointments & Money

I made an appointment the other day to see my nurse practitioner regarding what I need to do to prepare for getting pregnant. I'm a little nervous, but it's a good thing for me to do. After all, she did tell me to come see her around that time to discuss starting prenatal vitamins before I'm pregnant.

It's so amazing how fast time is going! Already October is almost over. This month has been an expensive month for us. We had the shock of finding out how much our dental bills were going to be and we had spent more on dining out than we anticipated. This next month after all our regular bills are paid we're going to sit down and go over our expenses and see how to best handle our money for the month. It's nice to be able to do that and I was happy that it was Jon that suggested doing that. It's nice to have him on the same page. Now it's just a matter of us cracking down and not spending money we shouldn't be spending, particularly when it comes to dining out.

Counting Down The Days

It seems my world has been surrounded by babies or pregnant women. A coworker is pregnant, a sister-in-law is pregnant, another sister-in-law is trying to get pregnant, and several friends have recently had babies.

Jon and I decided that in December we would start trying for a baby. I keep looking at the date, counting down until the time we can start. I'm a little nervous. I still have to schedule an appointment with my nurse practitioner. She told me that it would be good to start taking prenatal vitamins before I was pregnant. I guess it helps me get healthier. I'm planning on calling today at lunch to set something up.

Just think, in 2 months I will probably be pregnant. I'm having mixed reactions -- first I'm excited then I'm like "yikes!" But I'm ready for that next step in life. Plus, I know Jon is looking forward to a baby. But while I wait, I count the days.

Breadwinners and Christmas

There's been a lot of coverage on TV regarding the change of the role of women. Women are more and more becoming the breadwinners of the family. My family is no exception. While Jon makes about $18,000 a year, I make double the amount at $36,000. In addition, insurance is run through my company.

Jon and I have discussed our salaries extensively. He doesn't have a problem making less money than me, and I would rather he have a job he loves that makes less than a job he hates that makes more. However, I definitely feel the pressure of having to work.

My current job is definitely not my dream job, but it's a job that pays well and is pretty easy to do. However, there are days when I wish I didn't have to work. I would rather be a stay-at-home mom. Financially, however, that isn't possible.

Today I've been thinking of how to handle our finances. Right now I'm thinking it would be good to get our savings built up. We should have been able to pay for Jon's dental bills with one payment if our savings is what it should be, but instead we will go on a payment plan for that. My biggest conundrum is whether to continue to pay off our Citi credit card or ramp up savings. My goal after the Citi card was paid off is to build up savings, mostly to prepare for maternity leave, but right now I'm really wanting to put some more in savings. I know the benefits of paying off the Citi card include an increased credit score and less interest/fees we will be paying. At the same time, I'm worried about not having enough in savings to cover expenses. But the more I think about it, the better it would be to pay off the Citi card. If we stick to our payment plan we have set up, it will be paid off in 2 months. I guess I just needed to type it to think through it. Just pray nothing happens to us that will affect us financially.

My next concern is Christmas. We have about half of our nieces and nephews shopped for. We spend only about $10 a piece since we have 11 to shop for along with our parents and each other. I really want to get some nice things for Jon, but I worry about money. I can't think of anything I really need for Christmas. I would rather not have a lot of money spent on me. I would like a couple books and an Eiffel Tower lamp and some Eiffel Tower decorations, but that's about it. But it's not the gifts that have me too concerned; it's the decorations.

Jon and I haven't really had a Christmas together. We moved last year over Christmas. We packed everything up on Dec. 23 and drove over the pass to my parents' house where we spent Christmas. We then moved into our apartment the Saturday after Christmas. So last year we didn't really have a need to have decorations, but this year I would like some. I'm not going to buy a lot, just a few. I can slowly add stuff to my collection as the years go by. But the thing I want the most is a fake Christmas tree. (Real trees affect Jon's asthma.) However, those trees can be pricey. Maybe this year we will forgo a tree. Besides, it's not the decorations that make Christmas, it's the birth of Jesus Christ.

Calculating Cavities

This morning Jon went off to the dentist. I anticipated some cavities because he hasn't been to the dentist in 5+ years. The thing I wasn't anticipating was the cost. He has 5 cavities, 3 which are high priority. To fix the first 3 it's going to cost us $425. To fix the next 2, $275. Unfortunately right now money is tight and we can't afford to pay all that upfront. The good thing is there's a thing called CareCredit (www.carecredit.com) that allows us to make payments with no interest. At the same time, these are costs I was not anticipating.

My dentist appointment is next week. Let's hope I fair better. I'd like a big ZERO for cavities. I guess in one week we'll find one.

Contentedness and Trust

I had a meltdown yesterday yet again. It seems I have those often lately. I think I'm just too stressed about money, babies, and work. What I need to do is pray and learn to really trust God. I don't know why I can't just do that.

The meltdown began with me not wanting to work out and then feeling sorry for myself about my weight. Soon it melted into my worries about money and wanting to have at least our credit card debt paid off before we have kids, but since I really want a kid, the debt is going to be paid off after, unless we get a sudden influx of cash. That stresses me out so much I've been considering getting a second job. Jon doesn't like that idea.

I was doing some thinking and calculating yesterday, and it looks like we're not going to be able to afford a house for a while, at least not a house that I want long term. I've really had my heart set on that piece of land a couple blocks away from our apartment and the manufactured home I found online. I've even been thinking of what color the rooms will be and how the furniture will be arranged. However, we probably won't have a house until at least baby #3 is coming along, maybe later. It just depends as to how quickly we can pay off our credit cards and get money saved up for a down payment.

Please be praying for me. I'm really struggling with the slowness of debt payment and savings increase.

Sometimes I pray for a check to come in the mail. The amount tends to range from $8,000 to $60,000. I would like the $8,000 to pay off all our credit card debt. I would like the $60,000 to pay off all our debts -- student loans and credit cards. Personally I would love a check of $75,000. That would allow all of our debts to be paid and have some money to put in savings. But the likelihood of that happening is slim to none and being closer to the none.

Jon told me I just need to look at what we do have.
- We own 2 paid off vehicles.
- We each have a lap top.
- We have a roof over our head.
- We have food in the fridge, cupboards, and freezer.
- We have money to meet our monthly obligations.
- We both have jobs.
- We have family who loves us.
- We have each other.
- We have God who provides for us more than we know.

All in all we have it pretty good, actually, better than most. I guess it's just hard to see what we have when I'm looking at what I want. But the thing with money is you will always want more. I just need to learn to be content with what we have.

Contentedness and trust in God -- two things I'm struggling with. Pray for me please.

Sleepy and Snappy

This week has been a lot different from what I'm used to. I've been waking up tired after getting 7 1/2 to 8 hours of sleep. I've been very snappy and short with people. I've also been very emotional -- I've had a crying melt down on Jon at least twice this week. Usually I would just shrug this all off but now I'm beginning to wonder. Maybe I'm pregnant.

Pregnant. I've been thinking and praying a lot about that. Part of me really wants a baby, but waiting until the timing is right usually wins out. In regards to timing, I mean timing it so Jon is home for the birth. He's busy March - May with rafting and gone about every other week from June - August backpacking. So we want to time it so he's home, preferably September. I know a pregnancy can explain the moodiness and sleepiness. But then again so can stress.

Stress has began to really grow during the last couple months. I've been really stressed about work. I'm not happy at my job, but I don't know what to do. Jon keeps telling me to talk to Sandy (my supervisor) but that scares me. She's not a friendly person and almost everything I don't like about my job relates to her. I've considered writing her an email about how I feel but would that be wrong? I know it would bring up a conversation, and it would be awkward.

I'm also stressed about money. It was always my goal to have our credit cards paid off by the time we have a baby, but now it's looking like it won't get paid off until after. We'll have one paid off this year, but the other won't be paid until 2011. It's stressing me. I know God will provide; I guess I'm just having trouble really trusting Him. A baby would be a great way to grow my trust.

I'm concerned about work after a baby. I know I have to work at least part time, but then I have to figure out daycare. Dani suggested asking around at church for a lady willing to watch my baby during the week. It would be cheaper than going to a daycare and maybe she won't mind watching the baby at our home since all the baby's stuff is here. I'll have to do the math to figure out how many hours I would have to work to cover our medical and still cover our expenses. I just hope medical is still granted for part time employees. But the hours aren't what really concern me.

How long to take for maternity leave is what really concerns me. I need at least one month, but is three months pushing it? After one month should I start coming back one day a week to try and get caught up? Is that too much or not enough? I know that the one day a week option could work because Jon can stay home with the baby on those days if we make a schedule. It's just a matter of whether my employer will accept it. Maybe after 2 months I can come back a couple days a week or maybe start back up at part time. I think I would try and work 5 hours a day: 10 a.m. to 3 p.m. or maybe 9:30 a.m. to 2:30 p.m. I think I would like that better, but then again, it's what works for my employer that counts.

Wow. It's interesting how I had planned on talking about my stressful week and it turned into baby planning.

Not Where I Thought I'd Be

Growing up I have always defined myself as the smart, athletic girl who gets straight A's. In elementary and junior high I pushed myself to be the smart one in the class, though I definitely wasn't the smartest one. I have defined myself according to success -- which chair in jazz band I was, how I did in cross-country and track races, what I was ranked academically, which clubs I was in, and which clubs I held office in. That's who I was and how I measured my success, mostly by comparing myself to others.

In college I had heard of several people going off to college with a certain major in mind and eventually changing it once, twice, or several times. I didn't want to be that person I decided. I wanted to put my mind to something and not change it. That tends to be my downfall. It put me in a career that doesn't satisfy me.

When I was in junior high, I developed a passion for designing houses. I had fun designing houses. Granted at that point I wasn't too creative or using realistic dimensions. In high school I began experimenting with it. I thought it would be fun to take a unique shape, like the letter R, and design a house within that. It made for some fun angles. It was not realistic, but I looked at it as a challenge. Progressively I got better and more realistic. It was a fun hobby for me. I sketched house plans throughout college and even up to a few months ago. I even designed some houses that I want built. It was something I did for fun. Looking back I wish I had gone into architecture. It was something I really enjoyed and felt like I was good at it. But it's not what I'm doing for a career.

My sophomore year of high school I was scheduling my junior year classes and needed a year long class. I decided to take accounting. I'm not sure if I chose it because it was at the top of the list or if I was really interested in it. Needless to say, I ended up in the class. I ended up really enjoying the class. It was fun to take checks and deposits and keep track of it on the books. It was like a challenge to come up with the correct ending number. I'm not sure if it because it was junior year and we were discussing college a lot or what, but I got it into my head that accounting is what I wanted to do with my life. Plus, my teacher kept bringing up the salary a CPA makes and it sounded nice.

I stood by that decision all through college and I graduated with a degree in accounting. I definitely had a talent for it. It seemed to come naturally to me and I did well at it. I certainly didn't push myself to be the best I could be, but I still did well. I did change one thought. I decided I didn't want to be a CPA. I worked for 2 years at a CPA firm and did not like it. Eventually I might change my mind but for now I don't want that career.

I landed my first job as an Accounts Payable Specialist. It wasn't the job I had applied for, but the company that I interviewed with still wanted me on staff. I took it. I learned the basics and did well for myself. I had everything down pat. I was even given a few projects. However, I never felt truly happy or challenged.

A job change for my husband meant a move to Spokane. A coworker at my first job hooked me up with a contact that hired me for an Accounting Assistant position. It sounded like it would be a promising job. My supervisor seemed nice. The work seemed like it would be good. After I got the hang of things I realized how easy the work was. The challenge left and I was left feeling like I should get a different job.

My supervisor wasn't as pleasant as she appeared. She was constantly swearing and complaining. The work was easy and quickly finished. Several times I sat around wondering how I would keep busy. A project I was supposed to start in June didn't get started until August. Once I figured that out though, work became easy again. I was unchallenged yet again. I honestly feel like I could do more with my accounting degree and that the job I'm at is a step down.

I've considered getting a new job. I've considered going back to school. However, my desire for a family, a home, and a debt-free life sidelined all that. Jon and I want to start a family soon and since money is needed to feed and clothe a baby and us, I have to work. Fortunately my supervisor told me she would be fine with me working part time. I don't know if any other employer would be as flexible and right now I'm not willing to risk it.

My career isn't exactly what I want it to be. Maybe once my kids are older I will have figured it out and changed it. I certainly don't plan on staying at this job for my career. It's just a matter of waiting to see what's available and what curve balls life throws.